Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Guest Blog Movie Tips

Hello there fans of the J. Travis Grundon way of living. This is the first time that I’ve ever been a guest on someone else’s blog but I was especially excited to be asked by J. because I know that he is mostly known as an “editor” which makes me believe that he is too lazy to finish anything on his own. I only recently met Mr. Travis but I can see why you like him. Besides being an excellent writer and an amazing father he also is very willing to let me use my fame to elevate his status, so for that I thank him. Hopefully by using me and other pseudo celebrities Mr. Grundon can get enough unearned recognition that this very website makes it to the front page of Digg every week and he can actually get some advertisers and publishers to throw money at him so that he can finally be a provider to his lovely woman like he promised many many years ago. Also, if he can build up enough of a fan base he might actually be able to sell some of those “i hate J. Travis Grundon” T Shirts that have been sitting on Zazzle.com forever.

I think a better slogan would be “I’m a Travestite”. The fanatics would finally have a name for themselves and it would remind everyone just how pretty of a man Mr. Grundon is.

As for what I will write about, I felt that I needed to stick with what I’m known for so as not to alienate you on our first formal date. If you haven’t figured it out already I am a ceWEBrity. Online I go by the handle Joey_Vee and I’m known for making snarky comments about terrible movies that no one will remember in a year. Just about every week I am featured on The Rotten Tomatoes Show, a weekly half hour video compendium to the most popular movie review website in THE ENTIRE WORLD, and even though I get paid less than the critic in your local newspaper, I am on T.V. which means people actually know I exist. It was by fate that I came into this gig. I was already seeing 100 or so movies a year in the theater and it was getting really expensive and I was desperate to find a way to pay for my habit. The Rotten Tomatoes show premiered about a year ago but it wasn’t until around May of ‘09 that they decided to pay people to submit their reviews and ever since I ripped X-Men Origins: Wolverine a new one, I have been on almost every week. Because of my love of movies and the need to review a new one every week I tried even harder to find ways to see them for free and over the course of the past year I have picked up quite a few tips that have helped me save a ton of money. I rarely like to share these secrets with people for the sake of not liking competition but I doubt your addiction to movies is as severe as mine so if I see you on my turf I will stab you with a whittled down toothbrush wrapped in duct tape. Just sayin’.

Probably the most popular way to see movies in the theater for free is to go to radio station or movie review websites and try to win passes to advance screenings but those are a real hassle. You have to show up an hour before the movie starts on a predetermined date and listen to old people bitch about their ankles swelling just so you can sit 5 feet away from the screen and give yourself permanent neck damage from looking straight up for two hours. I love going to the theater but I want to go on my own time. One thing I have always noticed is that theaters literally employ retards. I’m not trying to be rude, this just a fact ( I think they get a tax credit or something). Basically the only line of defense a theater has is the ticket ripper who is usually a drooling 17year old with his fly down... They have no power and they know it, so all really have to do is walk past them with some confidence, preferably while holding up a movie stub you found in the parking lot, and mumble something while giving them direct eye contact.

They will not stop you I guarantee it. In case they are a little pansy and feel like ratting you out in hopes of getting a promotion you can duck into the bathroom for 5 minutes and wait them out. It’s impossible to yell at a guy with possible diarrhea from the other side of a bathroom door. It’s embarrassing for everyone involved. If you feel guilty about stealing something that isn’t tangible then you can go buy a kid’s ticket from the automated booth outside the box office. This method will leave your conscious feeling especially clean because the money saved is the exact same amount as using their rewards card which entitles you to a free ticket after so many visits, except now you won’t feel like an idiot because you forget the damn card every time you go. As for theater techniques that have failed miserably, I once left the back door propped open but when I came back a week later the door was closed and I was out a pet rock.

Apparently stuff like “make sure doors are closed” is on the nightly closing checklist.

Also, I once payed to go to college because they always have free advance screenings but the tuition actually put me $15,000 in debt before I figured out that it was a terrible idea.

Next up is how to get DVD’s for free. At this point certain DVD’s are practically free already. Wal-Mart has these huge bins right when you walk in where they will pay you $5 just to take one, but since I’m a modest guy who is grateful for what Wal-Mart has done to enrich the lives of low income families everywhere, I don’t bother with taking their money. I even bring my own canvas tote bags so as not to raise suspicions. One time I was chased by a slow (in more ways than one) greeter but I was in a rush and didn’t have time to respectfully decline his money. A similar thing happened when I was cutting the box tops off of a bunch of Kellogg’s brand breakfast cereal boxes at my local grocer. Can you believe that they will mail you a copy of Mighty Ducks 2 if you send them 8 of those things? And speaking of getting DVD’s by mail, if you know anyone who has a Netflix or a Blockbuster By Mail account then you can wait for the post man to drop off their queue.

If you want this plan to work for a long time then you will have to watch the movies pretty quickly and put them back in the mailbox fairly undamaged. Any place where you can rent DVD’s is a great to go to because it is insanely easy to stake out the return box. Blockbuster, stand alone rental kiosks like RedBox, and even libraries have an outside drop box where vulnerable old ladies hobble out of their still running cars without a care in the world and can be easily tackled for a night of home theater enjoyment. It is a little silly to do it at a library though since the movies are free to rent in the first place, but library patrons are usually quite frail and put up the least amount of struggle.

If you are reading this there is a good chance that you either have a computer or haven’t had your library card revoked for looking at porn so that means you have almost instantaneous access to movies through the internet. There are legitimate ways to watch movies online through websites like HULU or paying for a Netflix membership but it can be hard to watch every movie in the world whenever you want it, especially when they are still in the theater. What I recommend is going to a site like OVGuide and find a site that streams movies using a very sketchy set of rules that makes them seem like they could be legal. I always try to stream movies from these sites while on my aunt’s computer just in case they do gunk up things. I mean come on, computers are expensive.

If things get really bad and you are completely out of options then I might recommend following a mini van with a flip down DVD player and adding your own soundtrack, or if you are brave, pull up alongside and ask them to leave their windows rolled down and turn up the volume for everyone to enjoy. This can also be applied to houses with windows.

There are also a couple of ways that I like to make money while watching movies. I have gotten into the habit of bringing a tiny digital camcorder and a tripod and leaving them in the back of the theater recording one movie while going to enjoy another one in a separate theater. I usually go early in the afternoon and pick the least crowded ones. You see the thing is that when the ushers do check to see if anyone is recording the feature they are looking for people with camcorders up on their shoulders like the news people have. You then take that shitty CGI kids movie and make a thousand or so copies and sell them at your local flea market or gas station. And finally, you could also decide to review movies yourself but I would strongly advise you against that unless you are ready to get involved in the most devastating toothbrush fight ever.

- Joey Vosevich

check out Joey on the interweb @

http://myspace.com/7143980

and/or

twitter.com/joey_vee

Joey is also a regular reviewer on the Current's Rotten Tomatoes Show